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January 23, 2017

You guys, I’ve failed: I haven’t listened to Ann Coulter in 4 days (*upset, sips Soylent*).

Also, I realized that I won’t be able to pig out on Super Bowl Sunday. No beer, no dips, no chips; no nachos, no pretzels, no defrosted crispy bites; no quesadillas nor buffalo wings; no deviled eggs-

OH GOD DEVILED EGGS

You guys, there are too many delicious ways to devil an egg.

Classic:

Avocado:

Fucked up:

JUST LOOK AT ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT

I want a Thanksgiving deviled egg with mashed potatoes, gravy, and-and-and teeny-weeny cranberry bits.

I want a McDonald’s deviled egg that’s just a ground beef with special sauce and-and-and an itsy-bitsy french fry.

I want a sour cream & onion deviled egg with dip and-and-and a woopy-poopy potato chip.

I want a garlic shrimp deviled egg with yellow rice and Spanish garlic shrimp with so much oil.

I want a macaroni and cheese deviled egg.

I want an Indian deviled egg filled with curry.

I want a deviled Ostrich egg that’s deviled with a deviled chicken egg.

I want a sushi deviled egg that’s actually a raw egg on top of spicy tuna tartare mixed with mustard.

I want a fancy-as-fuck deviled egg that’s just filled with Beluga caviar.

I want an empanada deviled egg that’s just an empanada filled with deviled eggs.

I want a Chinese food deviled egg with fried rice and Sriracha.

I want a Chicken Tonight deviled egg.

I want a peanut butter and jelly deviled egg.

I want a wasabi deviled egg.

I want deviled egg soup.

I want a battered and deep-fried deviled egg.

I want a cannoli deviled egg with cream, chocolate chips, and powdered sugar.

I want a pickled deviled egg with a shot of whiskey in the yolk hole.

Please, send me a message – I can be discreet – no one will know it was you – I have money – just get me some goddam deviled eggs PLEASE.

Frank

P.S. Metrics, She Wrote

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