Welcome to our blog “Candle, She Wrote”. I am Buberella. I was brought into waxing by Shmoofina who is also an enthusiastic n00b. Shmoofina has recently amassed a large collection of wax and has decided to justify it by creating a blog about it. My wife ykristyn does not give a shit about any of this but we’ve drawn her into it anyway.
We also all like to fall asleep to TV’s “Murder, She Wrote”. We don’t know of any other blogs that combine intense feelings about candle tarts and Angela Lansbury so we figured we’d corner the market before anyone else did. Suck it.
To get down to business, we are going to review our first tart. Below please enjoy our analysis:
WHAT WE’RE MELTING
Company: Ten Digit Creations
Scent: Pistachio Coconut Fluff
Presentaish: It looks like something a thirteen year old named “Angie” made for her field hockey fundraiser cupcake sale. Her Mom forgot to buy frosting. Tough shit.
OUR COLD WAX IMPRESSIONS
Overall impresh: Coconut, sweet bakery coconut (Shop Rite coconut cake)
Buberella: thinks it smells like laundry but doesn’t think it’s in there
Shmoofina = marshmallow, don’t smell like pistachio very much, definitely not like a cherry/almond pistachio smell
ykristyn = hurts, headache, mild queasiness, concern about storage space, generalized anxiety, smells like a coconut fell out of a tree, hit a man in the head, and his corpse is now rotting. I don’t remember what else I wanted to say, I’ve had a lot of wine which is something that’s worth it to buy.
Buberella: It was waxy but I kind of liked the way it stuck in my molars for a little while.
Shmoofina: You don’t eat it, dummy.
ykristyn: You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Buberella: Not unlike smell. Teeth now coated in waxy film.
ykristyn: Taste? Apparently lacking.
Conditions: Melted in a 20 watt warmer in a studio apartment with two cat litter boxes present, all windows shut, air conditioner running.
Bottles of wine: We opened four. Cumulatively, we have nearly completed the contents of two bottles. Impressed with the lack of grammatical errors?
Arm speed (for wafting): 3 wafts per second. Vigorous back and forth.
Buberella: It took a while to get to my nostrils but when it did wow. I feel like I’m in a laundromat in Jamaica. It’s like clean laundry and coconuts. I don’t know where the pistachios went off to but I had some pistachio ice cream for dinner and that’s just a side thought.
Shmoofina: Medium strength, slow to kick in like shitty dirt weed. Smell was pleasant and not overpowering but definitely present.
ykristyn: You know what else smells when it’s warmed? Yer asshole. (Editor’s note: plotzed. ykristyn.)
MURDER SHE WROTE:
Title: O’Malley’s Luck
Netflix Synopsis: A stubborn Irish detective doesn’t believe that a real estate mogul’s death was a suicide. Pat Hingle guest stars as Lt. James O’Malley
RATING BY THE CANDLE COVE COVEN
Buberella: 10 out of 10
Shmoofina: 7 out of 10, points deducted for no pistachio noted, and slow to throw.
ykristyn: I have work in the morning.
With ykristyn’s abstention: 8.5
Without ykristyn’s abstention: 5.66666